A Martian Tourist Guide to London

Whilst for many England is a popular destination for our holidays there are certain myths about how we might be greeted there. On many levels this is our fault; Britain and Mars have very different cultures and we should be aware that just as we might object to Victorian gentlemen and Yankee reprobates tearing around in skyships freeing the Thark population so too might our actions there cause similar ire.

One. Do not mention the war. Whilst the conflict between our two planets was way back in the last years of their 19^th Century our minds immeasurably superior to man did rather make a mess of the place. Whilst it could be considered that we lost the foray, it was very much an away-game for us and a lot of people are still pissed off about the red weed.

Two. The British people speak orally. Whilst varying between a polite people and ravaging hooligans neither appreciate the simplicity of a bio-organic speaking tube inserted in what we often wrongly assume to be a communication sphincter.

Three. Contrary to popular opinion British food is not all that bad. The ribaldry results from a time on our earliest visit when contrary to the current habit of eating the meaty bits the British diet consisted almost solely of offal. There is now a great deal of good, tasty British food. It is called curry.

Four. British people travel through the use of wheels. Continually banging on about tripods is at best going to result in the usual argument about how three legs are silly, what if one is broken? Pointing out that they only have two is a sure way for offence to be taken.

Five. The British are a reserved people when it comes to recreational procreation. The British male is proudly very bad at the sexual act, whilst the British female (although stagnating in a broth of frustration and personal abuse) rarely finds our mollusc pheromones quite as alluring as we tend to believe in Earth’s higher oxygen atmosphere. Generally if a British female wishes to pass a month or two in the ecstatic pleasures we are able to grant them she will indicate her preferences by turning orange and screaming at one just like her a lot in the early hours of the morning, beside a kerb slick with sick, and by producing liquid from the oral receptors that will leave thick, gungy marks down each cheek. Typically if one is asked if one is a footballer the polite response is ‘Yes’.

Six. Westminster Palace is referred to as the ‘Houses of Parliament’ not ‘Target 2’.

Seven. A Martian should never when in Woking, Surrey be heard to remark ‘I remember when all this was crater’.

Eight. HMS Belfast is a museum; it is not the Thunder Child.

Nine. A British Princess is very different to a Martian Princess. Contrary to what the French may think one should not expect their royalty to be dressed in little more than bejewelled wire and a scrap of silk.

Ten. Once the most popular stop off for a Martian tourist (seeking to see if he can make out his home from there) the London Planetarium no longer offers a truly magnificent spectacle of the universe through the use of lasers. It is now a part of Madame Tussauds - which is firstly a waxwork exhibition, and secondly (and related to firstly) shit.

These are the basics. Other than that try not to make any heat-ray jokes. British humour is very different to Martian humour, Are You Being Served the exception rather than the rule.