Sunday 10 February 2013

The Return Of The King (Of England)

Across the internet and a wealth of jokes regarding Richard III have been dug and freely spread about the internet, many of which have even cited source. Famous for being the ancestor of Peter Cook in Blackadder Richard the not-actually-deformed was the last Plantagenet monarch of England. The Plantagenets have a rough ride in popular history, typically being represented by John as the foil for whichever Robin Hood is currently doing the rounds. Or for Richard the brave and bold fellow who once popped into England during his reign for a change of armoured trousers before later sending a note to mortgage everyone in order to secure his release from that popular Middle Age method of income and awkward guests that was the hostage taking.
            But these were proper English monarchs we might be told, unlike the current lot who are German.
            So where did it all go foreign?
            Somewhere before the fall of this article. I’ve already gone into the jolly pot of nationality that was Hastings elsewhere, and there’s a lot to be had from the Houses of Wessex and Knytlinga who before that took their turns every other week based upon who had the best beard or was shagging the prettiest Scandinavian (tricky, because everyone from Norway and Sweden are by law pretty).
            So we know then that William took the throne, killing anyone that said otherwise, including absolutely everyone in the north (he was having a hard enough time understanding the language anyway without Cheryl Cole appearing in Auf Wiedersehen Pet). William so-not French he would have killed anyone for calling him a Frank - unless it was to stick another crown on his head - still saw Stephen of Blois marry into the line, marking the way then for Matilda (A Norman-Scot) to fight a jolly civil war over who it was got to be the most English. Which at length saw the galloping Plantagenets, who were also not French in that they owned, lost, and fought over much of what is now France being Aquitonian. Aquitonia being neither English nor French, but a pre-historical land roamed by Conan and usually bag-full of snake cults. So the snake-cultists had a decent stab at things, despite being lions, or Sean Connery, though Louis VIII of actual-France did rule a lot of England for two years. Mostly what the Plantagenets had was John of Gaunt who - despite being a third son also made a lot children through whom for a long time everyone claimed the throne. York and Lancaster were Plantagenet Houses, the last also a bomber, but not Bomber from Auf Wiedersehen Pet. They ended up fighting over the throne, since England was really big on civil war as it was closer than France, when they weren’t fighting France; which was always.
            At last at Bosworth then Peter Cook was killed quietly and buried under a car park. The House of Lancaster won, though they were now the Tudors; who were Welsh.
            We’re probably on more familiar ground here.
            Awful, terrible Henry VIII having married his late brother’s Spanish wife then did so a few more times. Despite this there was the Welsh-Spanish Mary, Edward who being pretty English was sickly and died, and Elizabeth who looked nothing like Cate Blantchett despite being a Boleyn (and therefore supposedly from a line of utter foxes). Though to be fair Anne wished she were French, unlike her daughter Elizabeth who was an orc and died without issue because at the time the regal English accent was somewhere between Yosemite Sam and Bristol, like Bomber in Auf Widersehen Pet (though he was a Brummie).
            So the Stuarts took over, who were Scots, until Cromwell decided otherwise after the English indulged once again in a few of their favourite civil wars. Cromwell being English was also of Welsh stock (who had had enough of the Scots ruling the English). When Cromwell did everyone a favour by dying his son Tumbledown Dick managed a brief spurt before the Stuarts came back after being French for a bit, and bringing some French back with them in the shape of most of the inlaws. This lasted about as long as it took for the Dutch to invade, overthrowing the Danish-Scots-French in another civil war that lasted about as long as it took to take the bus from Torbay.
            Deciding that fighting the French and having children was so very-last epoch that left Anne,  a returned Stuart of Scotland (which no longer counted as the English decided that Scotland was England anyway). She lasted long enough to die without a proper heir and so the throne passed to Hanover, in Saxony, because the Germans hadn’t had a punt yet. Bismarck not having yet decided that Germany would be a united, single nation called Prussia this was all well and good and so lots of Georges came and went until we came to Victoria, who married Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha, another Saxon, which would have doubtless pissed off William the Conqueror who had killed so many Saxons, especially the ones that were Danish.
            Of course this all went swimmingly for the Germans until Germany pissed off England by going to more-war with France. The Prussians had already done this previously, but now they were Germany they were very definitely overstepping the mark since England had called dibs on fighting France.
            So the monarchy changed their name to Windsor. Which is probably apt since Anne Hyde (wife of James II) came from Windsor and was about the closest to being English as had been seen since... ever.


  1. Which would all make a great plot for Eastenders.

  2. It's all far too likely and upbeat perhaps?

  3. Fab. If Carlsberg did 'Andrew Marr's History of Britain'... :)

  4. The only factual inaccuracy I can see is that Bomber from Auf Wiedesehen Pet was from Bristol, not Birmingham. Apart from that (important) detail this could be used by Michael Gove for his new-old History curriculum.

  5. Ah, but the late wrestler Pat Roach, who played Bomber, was from Birmingham. That's why his AWP accent was from Mummerset by way of AD&D NPCs that distribute maps in inns. It also allowed Tim Spall (who is a South London boy) to do his comedy Brummie voice.

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. Moz has it, Pat Roach was indeed from Birmingham.