Saturday 28 January 2012

Sugar and Spice Girls

Chicken Nugget Spice, Itchy Spice, Your Mum Spice - and Victoria
Not pictured Mel C

Everyone in Tolly Maw is still jolly excited after the news this lunchtime that the Spice Girls are to reform, and secretly for a variety show in honour of the Queen. Set to star alongside such luminaries as Bob Monkhouse, Sir Cecil Beaton, and Johnny-from-that-Fanny-Craddock the five girls are said to be very excited at the prospect of being Melanie Chisholm’s backing singers, again albeit without singing in at least two cases, but still up front and having it large – for the girls, aright, like L7, and X Ray Spex, and Pattie Smith. The original line-up has already been confirmed, including for some reason Robbie Williams.
Scratchy-Pissed-Bus-Stop-Spice has been the first to shout incoherently into a microphone, her rants and screams regarding the empowering qualities of White Lightning being replaced by a liking for Liverpool FC. Supported in her positive attitude towards strong-cider it was perhaps pleasant to see on the news Mum’s-Gone-To-Iceland-Spice and Riffraff-Spice jumping up and down like housewives at a school reunion, on White Lightning. Famine Spice (carved from a single stick of purest self-loathing) neglected to join in due to an exclusive already arranged with H0/00 Gauge Model Railway Magazine. As a rail.
The five (whose very first gig was in Tolly Maw and who subsequently therefore enjoy a tremendous following to this day of all their albums released since their split*) all giggled when asked if the rumours were true, answering (even when they did not) in overdubbed soft-Scouse.
In unrelated news Dr Brian Cox revealed that he has actually discovered Spice World on his big telescope. The mop-topped former drummer with A Flock Of Seagulls was quick to assure laymen that it was ‘all a bit shit, mind’.
*1999s Northern Star.     


  1. Nice to know that Johnny-from-that-Fanny-Craddock is back in the public eye. There were about four of them (the first one was born in Midwich and the rumour was she baked the younger ones using leftovers from the previous). Last I heard the youngest had grown hooves and ran a guitar bar down in Hastings (one of the few places you could get a drink after 2). All went downhill after the Maenads turned up and trashed the place. Apparently you can still see Johnny dancing across Pevensey Marsh to his caravan accompanied by pan pipes - he looks just like that Calibos out of Clash of the Titans. He deserves a bit of a following.

    (on another note large thanks for the Christmas story - very much enjoyed. Only marred by my Turing machine's decision to pack up. Nice way to heighten suspense though. Cheers)

  2. Pevensey Marsh is where Puddleglum comes from.

  3. And ta for the comment re. Nicely Pink. It's easy to whip up a few thousand words over breakfast when you don't have other people deciding what the dang characters want to do. ;0)

  4. I don't doubt it :) - but that was hardly a few thousand words just whipped up - and if it was it felt like you'd been building to it for several months.

    I'm fairly certain that a lot of elderly fauns and satyrs (including Johnny) retired to Pevensie Flats - it was meant to be for Beruna veterans, but there was some sort of problem with pilings - the whole place sunk and Aslan Associates fled the country, the marsh wiggles moved in and turned it into a caravan park.

  5. I actually had a caravan holiday in Pevensie once. There is a big old static tin-tent place there. I was quite young. It of course rained.