The iShagged

 

People seem to be very excited by the new iShagged that’s come upon the market recently and I have to confess that like all new technology I don’t really understand it. A natural progression from the iPod where you can own a million albums you’ve never listened to, and the Kindle where people formerly not possessed of a book now possess a thousand-thousand novels they’ll never read the virtual world has arrived now with a bang.

Almost literally. Although being virtual, as in ‘not real’, then we’ll just for the moment (and in expectation of the wrath that follows) suggest that almost-literally means not-literally, or to be more precise figuratively.

Just as with books and albums the iShagged is a list of things you’ve had, and in this case people. Now you can download a list of people that you say you’ve slept with, although you haven’t, but which can bolster your self-esteem and provide fodder for those all important blathering at about the seventh pint down the pub. Since just as people already own a little box that says they own thousands of books and records, now a very similar box says they’ve been a lot more promiscuous that they really were. The top sellers seem to be ‘Girl I met on holiday’, ‘her from the office where I used to work’, ‘that one before she was famous’ and in a furious fight back ‘pirate’, ‘highwayman’, and oddly ‘Derek Nimmo’.

Since any non-virtual liaisons are effectively a product of memory anyway – and not normally widely witnessed (though you can download any number of those to rectify that) then the iShagged is if anything more real than mere curmudgeonly reality.

A more woman-friendly iShagged is due out later this month. It changes from the original only in that rather than adding virtual past lovers it serves to officially edit out real ones. Already the advance orders for ‘fucker who wasted a year of my life’ , ‘two-timing husband’ and ‘that in hindsight ill-advised second bottle of Cava’ are breaking current records.