Tuesday 24 May 2011

Albino Tilda Swinton, Bears and Die Hard.

It seems there is something scarier than a flock of Tilda Swintons watching you whilst you put out the bins. Oh, certainly they move only when you’re not looking. That a stalking Tilda Swinton can find entrance to any house through the presence of open scissors is not under dispute. Indeed you are right to fear a Tilda Swinton’s ability to steal both happiness and loss through your tears. All these things and many more are rightly held as folklore and none of them help (as many a Tilda Swinton hunter will tell you, albeit with empty eyes stitched with rough garden twine), not when as now a Tilda Swinton emerges from amongst that great and creeping murder of Tilda Swintons, as the much feared Albino Tilda Swinton.
Yesterday the Albino Tilda Swinton was a monk seeking the first few chapters of Holy Blood And Holy Grail. The day before and she developed a serum to walk invisibly about Tolly Maw but y’know, so she said (in a voice that is many voices not quite together). This morning and she was Monsieur Zenith, cat-dabbling with Sexton Blake on the Rue le Frufru (or the bakers where they do buns, as it is known to anyone else). With Rod Hull she suffers from dreadful ennui and I fear then soon it will be blood, souls and all for the toff Arioch.
The problem with this is not so much the stop-motion movements of hand and face. Nor the sheer and overpowering sense that all things considered then still Tilda Swinton is almost without doubt going to leave only blood and a little hair of you if ever when drunk, you thought you were in (there). No, none of these nor the ability to cut glass with a kiss at fifteen short paces – it is and worse still, the bears.
Whether they are natural enemies or because when an Albino Tilda Swinton is made they hear it however far, there are and trying to look inoffensive in my garden – polar bears. Big ones. These are bears to whom you do not take a shotgun because that will only mean that you’ll then be hunted by a polar bear with a shotgun. And they’re gathering and they’re trying not to look at the Tilda Swintons as the Tilda Swintons pick at road kill or Findus Crispy Pancakes.
Several are already haunting the corner shop on top of giant Fox’s Glacier Mints. One wears sunglasses. Two have vests. Last night they all sat next door and watched Die Hard.
They’re going to count to three, there will be no four.  


  1. Alas the internet fails again to convey my joy at this. There will be no nor (thank the Clangers) a , instead you will have to make do with the knowledge, I've been told to 'laugh quieter, you'll wake the baby.' Thanks for this Alan. Commiserations on the bread & water.

  2. It seems there really will be no 'chuckling'
    nor a 'chortle'.
    The internet does not like this sign <
    Or this one >
    I don't know why.

  3. The internet refuses to accept those characters from the keyboard because they're used in html script commands for web sites. They're effectively invisible then in the finished prose - they exist only (with other typed letters in between them) as prompt commands for layout purposes.

  4. Tilda Swinton refuses to accept those characters from the keyboard. She stares at them (but briefly) with transluscent eyes, whereupon moments later they burn with white fire.

  5. It does seem our Tilda is popular - any subject with her in it slams to a great wet bucket full of hits within hours. People will have to endure all else until the weekly Swinton update, alas.

  6. I confess I'm only vaguely aware who she is... I'm not sure I've ever seen a film with her in it...

  7. Quite apart from being the beast upon your shoulder, and the fiend upon your back. Aside from the source of summer colds as she passes by. She was in that highly faithful adaptation of Hellblazer where Ted from Bill & Ted had a holy shotgun. Not the film where Ted from Bill & Ted put on his magic sunglasses and learned Kung Fu. The other one. She was Gabriel. She wasn't acting, she had just landed after rebelling against God.

    Also lots of art house stuff I'm sure. Drinking puppy smoothies.

  8. Norbert BarrowcloughMay 26, 2011

    Tilda cut her filed, pointed teeth on "Your Cheatin' Heart" - the attempted Weegie follow-up to Tutti Frutti (which launched the Magic Roundabout Girl, and Robbie Coltrane). Folk found it hard to swallow one of the Elim portrayed as a country singer, so the series has never been repeated. She latterly donned white fox fur to chase middle class children round Narnia dishing out rosewater-scented sugar. This also didn't work, since, when it comes right down to it, could Aslan - the thinly disguised Son of God - really have an Elim in a fight, given that the latter are millennia old, completely rock, and probably turned up in the Simarillion too as thinly disguised Vanir? We're talking Feanor vs Gandalf, folks. No frickin' contest.

  9. She was in Orlando which I think was a documentary about her. Summoned by John Dee at the behest of the hermaphrodite Elizabeth Tudor she ran through time trying on different humans to see which one tasted best.
    That and an advert for Scottish Widows (who eat their spouses)