The Brownies. Britain's thirteenth line of defence
I’ve got to dig into my pocket to find a tenner for my daughter’s share of the minibus to London next week. Despite G4S being paid a million-billion pounds to provide security for the Olympics they’ve been forced to admit that they’ve come up 10,000 short when it comes to actually having anyone providing that security. They’ve offered eight quid an hour, nowhere to sleep in a city gone mad for rental rates, and a solid lack of anything approaching food on the job so they’re mystified as to why they can’t find enough qualified personnel to fulfil the role. So far they've got twelve bouncers from Blackpool - and they’re not letting anyone inside the stadium in trainers; so there’s every chance a lot of the athletes are going to fail the dress code anyway.
Faced with the shortfall the Government has had to step in. Initial reaction to use the army today has fallen foul of plans in place set to reduce it by 20% (that and everyone being off getting shot at elsewhere). The Navy having provided the latest destroyer to guard the Thames against terrorist frigates, and the RAF a number of controversial ground-to-air missile systems to shoot down any errant planes over Britain’s most crowded conurbation, it has fallen to the reserves to search bags and skive off to improvise beds on the Judo mats.
Which is where my daughter comes in.
She might only be eight but as a Brownie she swore an oath to god and country, and across that country an army of sprouts in brown and yellow are set to take up the slack. Used to camping and making food over small fires they have the skills for it sadly lacking in many fat blokes more used to standing at the doors of clubs and confiscating drugs off people for the management to sell.
My daughter doesn’t mind. She’ll get a specially commissioned ‘Oh for fuck’s sake’ badge to add to her growing collection. And she’s passed the G4S training with flying colours, already able to run off and call to her mummy when things get in any way difficult. Albeit in this instance her mummy will be the Police, who are themselves said to be ‘absolutely delighted’ to be working in concert with thousands of half-arsed Walty security personnel (though the announcement was greeted by the entire Met in unison rolling their eyes at the very thought).
The latest sponsors for the games Hello Kitty are said to be enthusiastic at the news.
But not half as much as my daughter, as like her great-gran she’s been put in charge of a searchlight battery..