From the desk of his Infinite Loathliness
Snapwrist, Excitable Lord Infernal
Fourth Circle of Hell
Above the chip shop
Seb! Baby! Love what you’re doing!
The boss was delighted to read of the flag furore. He passed comment on it this morning, or at least we are assuming such since he was passing a stool it was about you. We thought you’d done well enough what with no one having any tickets (and those that do paying through the ring for the tickets there aren’t) but your work on the whole security thing has already been framed up as an example to us all. Well, you’re framing up anyone that hasn’t ducked slimily enough yet. Having all those troops sent in has left half Britain convinced it is all part of a coup, and most of those hoping it’s true. All we need is for them to come out on strike and its pissy pants from laughing down here! What with the only person with a gun in twelve miles of the opening ceremony not facing redundancy being the guy with the starting pistol it should be quite the promised spectacle.
We’re all looking forward to what you’ve got planned next. The ceremonial flag-burning ceremony is a master stroke, and the compulsory arm bands in the swimming just sets the scene for all the other health and safety shenanigans you sent us the memo about. Tennis balls for the shot put, stabilisers in the cycling. The relay replaced with the egg and spoon, and the decathlon being reduced to eight disciplines due to austerity – genius!
McDonalds winning the case to make sure that even the athletes have to live solely on their muck is only rivalled by your plans to nick all the Americans shorts and make them compete in their pants. Nice balance there.
Seb, you’re doing a great job. Everyone here is terrifically proud of you and in view of this I’m pleased to inform you that we’ve managed to pull all the right strings for the announcement at the end of the games that rather than Rio for 2016 it’s going to be London again after all.
Love to Steve Ovett,
P.S. I don’t like to make a big thing out of this but when can I have Boris back? I know it’s only a Boris, but it was meant to be a loan and things don’t just get hilariously walked into by themselves you know.