Monday 20 February 2012

Tabloid: Source Of All Life

Headline later retracted due to the correct use of the apostrophe.

A yellow dwarf star set within and nurturing the solar system, the Sun has long come into disrepute for its bile, its celebrity gossip, and its association with egg sandwiches, margarine and white Home Pride bread. Providing for all life on earth the Sun has long thankfully not been quite as ‘soaraway’ as claimed, other than to fly through the rushing ether of all things in an expanding universe. A near spherical ball of burning plasma and gravity it is perhaps most famous amongst astronomers for having tits on page three.
First published a little over four and half billion years ago the tabloid was quick to blame immigrants for Saturn, itself yet to form, and to sensationalise Venus for getting it's figure back so quickly after the birth of its moon, of which it has none. Britain’s biggest selling newspaper the Sun rises every morning only because columnist Jeremy Clarkson cuts out the heart from a rival Aztec journalist whilst being protected by his elite jaguar warriors, and offers it in sacrifice before going to the pub.
With the closure of sister-paper News Of The World there is no longer any news, of the world. With the possible demise of the Sun experts suggest that the world quite apart from just completely dying will become a wasteland of ice-schooners and barbarians riding in chariots pulled by polar bears.
So there’s that at least.

1 comment:

  1. Well there will still be The People though who or what will take responsibility is far from certain. The People are only partly responsible for The Watchtower which is lauded as The Only Way is Creationist in many similar TV programs- or probably Pogroms.The Guardian is not the Guardian of all it seems so though vaunting itself as saviour of the people it is more often in opposition to The People. Is this a sign of The Times? Or the end of Times. Perhaps only the Independant can say.