Wednesday 22 February 2012

Fifty Ways To Use Your Pancake

Pancake day and as ever there are many more made than eaten. Obviously we’ve already wondered why we don’t have pancakes more often – and yet there they are, more left over, for shame. But it’s a waste and I hate that, so if like me you have leftovers fear not, for here are fifty uses of excess pancakes.

An ironic page marker for cookery books.
A protector for very cheap smart phones.
Sun block for bald men, better the pancake crispy.
An ergonomic tissue.
A holster for a banana, when used as a weapon.
A milk mop.
A pocket kerchief when wearing a beige tie.
A rope for safe games of tug-of-war.
A net for catching crafty flies.
A means by which wellies can be readily turned into pirate boots.
A means of storing CDs when all confused amongst their boxes.
For use in challenging only a very mildly deadly enemy to a less lethal than normal duel.
A blanket for a poorly hamster.
Wet wipes for people with greasy skin.
As a clay pigeon for Nerf guns.
An emergency nappy when camping.
A mouse mat for practising computer dexterity with a boiled egg.
A flag for attracting passing lemon vans.
A comic for the short-sighted.
As a knife for a Buddhist out mugging.
As ears when disguising oneself as an elephant.
A clue in batter-related crime fiction.
Birth control for couples that want children – one day.
An apron for vegetarian cenobites.
A sail for toy boats on a gravy pond.
The skin of a drum for tired musicians.
A ski-mask for hot summer days.
Prosthetic leaves for an ailing house plant.
A judo mat for combative mice.
A vinyl LP for a record player without a needle.
A bandage for sugar-cuts.
Underpants for shy flashers.
A patch for a threadbare batter tent.
A frisbee for the disinclined.
An alien monster for Action Man B Movie re-enactments.
A wimple for a confectionary nun.
A lead for an unwanted dog.
A present for someone you mildly dislike.
As a ghost costume for a chicken invited to a fancy-dress party at very short notice.
As jewellery for the metal-intolerant
A wallet for the cash-challenged.
As a throw to hide very small piles of mess.
A living environment for overweight pond-skaters.
As cymbals for the easily startled.
A saw for margarine planks.
A crash helmet for workers in a pillow warehouse.
A target for spaghetti arrows.
A blurry poster for fans of potato boy-bands.
A cushion for very mild piles.
And, as a buffet plate for the overweight.

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