Please Sir!

Comprehensive school kids - no really

A new Awful Czar has been appointed today, leading already to any number of witticisms playing on the two words, the first implying the performance of the second.

Chortles!

Recent figures recently released today about recent things shows that Awfulness is up mumblety-mumblety percent. Faced with the rise of Awfulness amongst the young, two measures are being put forward. The first to tax it, the second to make Awful people enter council-sponsored Awful Domes whereby two men enter, one man leaves. Or women. Or a sort of gestalt awful gender. Like skinny Goths. And the sort of young heavy metal lads you don’t see any more that despite the denim and the Iron Maiden look less like Hell’s Angels than, well, Goths look like they think they look. I quote.

Concerns have been raised widely in various frightening papers about the spread of Awfulness away from clearly disturbed young people eating madness-cake and smoking banana skins to pretty much everyone under the age of middle. Sprayed with orange squash, everyone of the age less than middle has been infected with Awfulness, a disease that costs an unspecified country, maybe this one, who knows, a kazillion pounds a year in ill-advised high-heel topplings alone.

‘Back in my day,’ Awful Czar Clive Lighthouse-Family has announced, ‘We were never young, and we didn’t waste our time at Oxbridge on tatty-trade degrees such as Media Studies – where jobs can be had much to my dismay, but Classics. The country’s shortage of Classical degrees is why we’re not Hellenistic Greece. The birthplace of Democracy, whereby these beardless-youths wouldn’t have the vote they never cast. In schools such as Fenn Street and St Trinians even teenagers had the good grace to be well into their twenties,’ and, 'In my day.'

The new classification of age-before-middle is said to include having been too young to have ridden a chopper pushbike, enjoyed a packet of spangles, or still wonder to this day what happened to John Craven on Newsround*?

*It’s a whole body-snatchers thing, in case this includes you.