'Top Gear' Tax To Save Britain

Suggested solutions to the current financial crisis facing Britain have been rejected when on being asked whether they wanted to pay more taxes the super-rich decided they did not. Speaking through their representatives (electrum-plated goblins in ceremonial wigs of spun-unicorn) the super rich, their faces always in shadow, are quoted as saying ‘Bwah aha aha ha!’ from the heart of their sapphire-shitting volcanoes, in Knightsbridge.

Faced with such a crisis emergency measures are being brought in, two new taxes based upon the length of one’s penis, and how good a driver a man judges himself to be. Journalists have already made up quotes from civil liberty groups condemning the move, already rejected by the new Ministry Of Top Gear due to both being based upon an honour system. Every man in the country will be made to fill out a simple tax form stating how big is his penis, and how good a driver he is. Every man in the country will then have both answers displayed twice as big as anything else upon his driver’s licence, passport and any id card for work, club or indeed anything at all. Such will be official. Payment will be for the former a yearly levy, by inch, and by the latter depending on a scale of 1-100, the amount taxed using each as a multiplier. Men then who are hung like minotaurs and who are far, far better drivers than everyone else will find themselves faced with quite the very tax bill.

Of course as an honour system any man can officially possess no penis at all and drive, officially again, like their Nan. This will be displayed on his bank statement and by law be covered as part of his annual review at work.

Early calculations suggest that not only will Britain be soon able to afford new aircraft carriers after all, but that one of them will be Italy.