Tuesday 29 November 2011


Oh Paddington, put some clothes on

Parents are up in arms today with the announcement that joining public sector workers in their strike tomorrow will be a host of children's television characters. The announcement made by Pat Clifton (postman to the Cumbrian town of Greendale) on behalf of the Union of Communication Workers thanks notable entertainers from CBBC, CBeebies and cITV for their support. The dispute regarding pensions and contractual obligations is of interest to many a fictional character (who on tele now for thirty years look set to have to remain so for at least another five).
Fire Officer Sam Peyton-Jones of the FBU faced with losing the benefits enjoyed by his (retired) peers in Trumpton had this to say to Government calls to cancel the planned action tomorrow, ‘Cats will stay down wells, children lost in lofts, packages unfound until our demands are met, or till the end of tomorrow. Either way.’
Parents already faced with having to take a day off work in order to spend compulsory time with their children have evidenced horror at a day without television, with even the DVD workers coming out in sympathy. ‘What are we supposed to do, read them a fucking book?’ said Miss Scary in an outburst Arthur Lowe would never have allowed from Roger Hargreaves’ Mr Men and Little Miss series of actually rather tedious children’s books.
Emergency supplies of paper and coloured pencils are being made available to parents through town halls and other distribution centres, but one parent (Mr Jonathan Brown of 32 Windsor Gardens, Notting Hill) spoke out against the strike action today, ‘If there’s no money in the pot then what do they expect?’ vowing that if modern, properly-animated children’s entertainment isn’t up to the job then perhaps it is time to return the traditional stories, told on screen? ‘Paddington’s old now,’ said Mr Brown of the bear that arrived from Darkest Peru and who since has remained with the Browns, ‘and sure, he widdles when he coughs but he can still charm the kiddies with his hard stares and irritating disdain for the common mores of civilised society.’ Then, ‘And he doesn’t do the seat-sniffing thing anymore, either.’
Miss Hoolie of Balamory informed about Paddington Brown’s stance is reported as swearing that ‘she would skin that floppy-hatted, marmalade eating scab-fucker – and let that stand as a lesson to the kiddies’.
Or not. Because y’know, no lessons Miss Hoolie.  


  1. Well, I was on strike, which will inflame certain readers. To quote Bullet Baxter from Grange Hill, though, "all those ponces can cock off. We babysit their aspartame-filled, ADHD-ridden little bastards for eight hours a day, just so they can swan off and work for banks. Wanks, more like".

  2. 'Course, being self-employed I with others peer through the gates of your mills in wonder as your arse is wiped with cloth-of-gold and your wee comes out Jennings Best. Retirement? If you didn't want to do it in the first place then...


  3. Ah, kind sir. I no more expect to retire than to fly in the air upon Jimbo from the Jet Set's stubby little privatised cartoon wings. I just struck because I am a socialist, not because I thought I could accomplish anything by so doing, aside from preserving the right to strike. And the school loo paper is way harsh.