Agent Provocatuer (the top-market lingerie not commonly seen garishly swinging in the rainy wind of a mid-week market in your local shire town between the faintly worrying donut stall and a clutter of ironing board covers stacked on two upturned milk crates) has denied any concern that US megabrand Victoria’s Secret has led to their new direction now to be found in Marks and Sparks.
AP’s new range is set to appeal to the reality of every woman’s early relationships, whereby for exactly one month the latest lingerie will involve being high cut, push up, and flattering (and not as comfortable as pretended to be) before through the technology of memory fabric it will when draped on a radiator overnight turn into a baggy mass dotted with faded flowers and a t-shirt thieved from a previous boyfriend.
For too long, I am assured, women had been enslaved to the tyranny of having to wait until they begin to see the benefit of high cut, push up and flattering almost exactly six months after having their second child. There when shocked, harried and hair awry they stumble into La Senza simply because, in the first instance, it’s not The Early Learning Centre. There too, with a returning memory of when a glass of wine wasn’t sunk on the sly like a Viking with a flagon of ale, they weep quietly in the wake of their first good night’s sleep. They realise that they might actually be able to wear a bra one day whose contents haven’t been mauled by the demanding, shitty little bastard that is at that very moment rubbing spitty chocolate on their coat. And this time it’s for them, to make them feel better.
Their husband whole-heartedly being both supportive and understanding crashes through three displays and a rack of fluffy socks as he makes a flying leap to get his visa card into the machine.
So down with tyranny!