Mitchell & Coren (and Webb)

(L.) Almost, probably, got some. (R.) Didn't.

The news that David Mitchell is to marry Victoria Coren has resulted in an appeal being made to the European Court Of Social Convention by some-time partner Robert Webb. Mitchell and Webb (formerly members of the non-governmental secret society assuming the brief of defending England from similar agents of a foreign power, and Oxford – Footlights) found fame after their appearance in the docu-soap Peep Show and went on to be wry, sardonic, dry, and witty with repeated appearances by Mitchell on QI. The cracks in their relationship widened when it was revealed that Mitchell having followed Lucy through a wardrobe denied it all to Peter and Susan.

In this the latest in a long line of spats between the pair Webb has indicted Mitchell in Brussels for potentially having a much fitter wife than him.

“It’s clearly written down,” said Webb today whilst eating bread stolen from ducks, “that in any long-term friendship there is a good looking one and a more bitter, shorter, basically sadder one. Look, it’s not like I mind that he gets to watch weird porn, nor that he’s more into Star Trek, or whatever it is, I don’t know, hey, I’m the tall one.”

Social convention does appear to be on Webb’s side. As he later said, “Look, I got married first. Okay, that’s expected. But Victoria Coren is fitter than my wife. Intelligent, talented, rich from all that championship Twister she does, or whatever, right. I mean, she’s not even proper fit. Not forgettable fit. You know sort of just plain beautiful so give it a week and she vanishes into her own reflection fit. Not famously fit so that she knows it, and is crap in bed, probably. I mean, she’s related to that bloke, you know, Freud, or someone like that. And she’s quirky fit. The sort of fit where you know that if you really upped your game, and had an on-day, and, like, she was feeling depressed or something then you might be in. Not definitely, but probably. If her fish had died, or someone had been rude to her. In Waitrose say, not the papers. And anyway, I’m the tall one, a bit better looking, so he shouldn’t have a better wife than me. Crowing over it. Probably doing her, really wrongly. All fumbling and gasping, and thanking her.”

And the law does seem to be on his side.

Probably, basically. Or something, yeah?