Monday 9 January 2012

MasterChef Goes Ghast

He wades in a slug-like illness of fat through the humid ground mists of the Great Kitchen. From bowls as big as baths there rises and drifts like a miasmic tide all but palpable odour of the day’s belltimber. The arrogance of this fat head exudes itself like an evil sweat. Balancing his body with difficulty upon a cask of wine, addressing a group of apprentices in their striped and sodden jackets and small white caps. They clasped one another’s shoulders for support. Their adolescent faces streaming with the heat of the adjacent ovens were quite stupified, and when they laughed or applauded the enormity above them it was with a crazed and sycophantic fervour. It’s MasterChef Goes Ghast!
They’ll have to cook the meal of their lives, again. “Passion,” they say, “all I want to do, creative, creative, passion, passion, passion!”
MasterChef, again. “These amateur cooks all want to change their lives. They could go to catering college then work as a commis on bloody awful splits, learning, grafting, like anyone else through kitchen after kitchen. Working when everyone else is not. Hot, hostile and horrid, working to make it to Sous chef, but no. That’s not it at all.”
“It’s my creative side, my passion. Creative, passion. Lovely dinner parties. Things, lovely things. Creative, passion.”
Whilst the contestants weep over their failed chocolate pudding, ingredients expert Gregg Wallace is in the fight of his life with former First Servant of Groan, Mr. Flay. “Are you lishening my pretty vermin,” he says. “Are you lishening?”
Uppermost text and illustration Mervyn Peake


  1. Creative lovelies - how will they progress? Maybe if they are sufficiently passionate they can even bypass cooking altogether, and get straight in to presenting programmes about cooking. Then it's off down town with Anthony Worrall-Thompson to shoplift in Budgens. Sorted!

  2. After watching The Stern Lady who knows all-a-everyting about food an stuff, batter a crab to smithereens in order to extricate a teaspoon of meat which THEN HAD TO BE SIEVED to remove the bits of shell - I gave up watching.