New Regional Minister for Regions, Doug ‘Call me Doug’ Arsewater, is in the spotlight again after plans for an increase in the basic wage for the south were leaked today. Proposals listed include rolling out an expansion of London weighting to the whole of the south of England as far as Virginia Water and to a small bay not too close to Littlehampton that has been listed as ‘lovely’.
“It’s been clear for a long time now that people in the south suffer a far greater quality of life and the cost to regularly enjoy theatre, good reception on television and an extensive range of restaurants has been taking its toll on the decent, southern-living folk doing important, nay vital work, involving Audi sportscars on the company so as to avoid having to use the extensive, effective and regular public transport infrastructure.”
When pressed on the basic cost of living, ‘Call me Doug’ adopted the fatherly face of one who knows that for the greater good everyone has to be shafted, saying “It’s all very well for those in the north with their brown ale and Chinese knock-off cider, but with even a moderate Pinto Noir topping ten pounds a bottle in the corner shop, it’s no laughing matter in Chelsea,” to prove which Mr. Arsewater produced a neatly printed receipt for that very corner shop, Waitrose. He went on to say, “We’ve provided the north with generous employment in recent years; the relocating of the Lakes to Devon, the whippet allowance, and the recycling of Hadrian’s Wall into some sort of frightful terrace, but enough is enough. With fewer than no examples of Gieves & Hawkes in the north the time has come to say no. No to barbarians terrifying honest men and women with their cruel and friendly greetings to complete strangers. No to their self-inflicted floods, and most especially no to their irritating habit of not voting properly in the face of all good reason,” then, “Fucking trolls.”