British Olympic athlete Jessica Ennis was condemned this week for being ‘too fat’ by an unnamed official within the UK Athletics Association. Ennis, typically for such a dedicated sportswoman a tightly knotted piece of string, is perhaps more famous in recent weeks for being not the complete troll normally required by the UKAA.
An anonymous source has suggested that, ‘Contrary to the tradition of British athletics, and indeed Britain in general, Miss Ennis would look out of place emerging from the black gates of Morder, and has been seen in public in a dress’.
Serious allegations indeed. In keeping with British culture it has been decided that since Miss Ennis might also be a perfectly nice person, is engaged to her boyfriend and about whom there is not the first whiff of scandal, a board convened in the bus stop of Sheffield high street an hour after the pubs shut has decided she is almost certainly a slag.
In keeping therefore with the best of British moves are being made to ensure that Miss Ennis when parading with the British Olympic team will do so in Ug Boots, smoking a Rothmans, whilst shouting at a baby.