Pancake day and as ever there are many more made than eaten. Obviously we’ve already wondered why we don’t have pancakes more often – and yet there they are, more left over, for shame. But it’s a waste and I hate that, so if like me you have leftovers fear not, for here are fifty uses of excess pancakes.
An ironic page marker for cookery books.
A protector for very cheap smart phones.
Sun block for bald men, better the pancake crispy.
An ergonomic tissue.
A holster for a banana, when used as a weapon.
A milk mop.
A pocket kerchief when wearing a beige tie.
A rope for safe games of tug-of-war.
A net for catching crafty flies.
A means by which wellies can be readily turned into pirate boots.
A means of storing CDs when all confused amongst their boxes.
For use in challenging only a very mildly deadly enemy to a less lethal than normal duel.
A blanket for a poorly hamster.
Wet wipes for people with greasy skin.
As a clay pigeon for Nerf guns.
An emergency nappy when camping.
A mouse mat for practising computer dexterity with a boiled egg.
A flag for attracting passing lemon vans.
A comic for the short-sighted.
As a knife for a Buddhist out mugging.
As ears when disguising oneself as an elephant.
A clue in batter-related crime fiction.
Birth control for couples that want children – one day.
An apron for vegetarian cenobites.
A sail for toy boats on a gravy pond.
The skin of a drum for tired musicians.
A ski-mask for hot summer days.
Prosthetic leaves for an ailing house plant.
A judo mat for combative mice.
A vinyl LP for a record player without a needle.
A bandage for sugar-cuts.
Underpants for shy flashers.
A patch for a threadbare batter tent.
A frisbee for the disinclined.
An alien monster for Action Man B Movie re-enactments.
A wimple for a confectionary nun.
A lead for an unwanted dog.
A present for someone you mildly dislike.
As a ghost costume for a chicken invited to a fancy-dress party at very short notice.
As jewellery for the metal-intolerant
A wallet for the cash-challenged.
As a throw to hide very small piles of mess.
A living environment for overweight pond-skaters.
As cymbals for the easily startled.
A saw for margarine planks.
A crash helmet for workers in a pillow warehouse.
A target for spaghetti arrows.
A blurry poster for fans of potato boy-bands.
A cushion for very mild piles.
And, as a buffet plate for the overweight.