Die Badgers, Die!

Bryan Talbot's graphic representation of the problem we face

 

For too long it seems the terror of the badger has infected the countryside. New legislation is set to see badger culls put in place across the country.

            Living in the country as I do I feel it’s best to inform my mostly-urban readers of the threat that the badger poses us. It’s all very well bleating on about ‘evidence’ regarding bovine-TB (or the lack thereof, or whether the cull will do anything given that the carriers are merciless bio-commandos that have Hawkwind’s Urban Guerrilla on the IP3 players and nothing else) but the simple fact of the matter is that badgers are a real threat out here. Hardly a day goes by without badger youths, already equipped by nature with bandit masks, make the lives of pensioners a misery whilst hanging out in bus stops without any intention to use the bus. These ‘stripies’ (as the Daily Mail has christened them) creep into our houses, piss in the milk, and force our children to fight hungry dogs in viscous baby-baiting ball pits. Also according to the same source they killed Princess Diana and bring our house prices down, so there’s that too.

            After the whole myxomatosis thing with the rabbits backfired the last time something like this was attempted, sources have suggested that the government is not going to become embroiled in the same drawn out mess again. Indeed, whilst farmers with guns will initially do the work it is intended that weasels will eventually take on increasing responsibility for the undertaking. Apart from the actual undertaking, which will be done by crows – when the crows aren’t being nailed to fenceposts.

            Giant steely traps have already been erected outside of Britain’s Lidl supermarkets where it is thought badgers mostly shop. For worms, grubs and vermin it has to be supposed.

            A trial scheme is already being rolled out in Nutwood.