Sunday 8 April 2012

An Easter Ray Gun, Planet Goatwood, and Claudia Winkleman

No! Not the bore worms!

I missed Easter in Tolly Maw last year. I might well have avoided this one too had I known. The celebration of the resurrection through chocolate is something I find unsettling when our vicar only reluctantly entered the priesthood after being deposed as dictator of the planet Mongo. Subsequently seeking to capitalise on his infamy with the chain Planet Goatwood (with likewise deposed evil rulers Nogbad The Bad and that Fenella the Kettle Witch from Chorlton And The Wheelies) failure was assured given their target market of monsters to whom they might throw captive princesses ran dry. Even with fries, with that.
Not for us a bit of a chat about stones and caves, but a two hour exhortation to rally round as a community in order to produce a giant ray gun capable of dragging the moon into closer orbit with our planet, or more particularly Worthing. There’s an enormous wooden picture of a giant ray gun outside the church now so that we as a community can keep track of the giant ray gun fund. It’s a family affair with the vicar’s evil-yet-beautiful daughter (portrayed most famously by Ornella Muti) Claudia Winkleman striding about with bucket and football-rattle until we handed over the requisite 10p.
Already there’s to be a giant-ray-gun fete in June. There’s to be a proper jumble sale, five separate tombolas (all promising the same ropey bottle of whisky as top prize), a twat-the-rat game, a display by the Kingstonia pushbike display team, and a raffle from which one lucky ticket will grant the title to the forest-moon of Arboria.
We’ll try and be away over that weekend. But keep it to yourself; the milkman was heard to say the same and Claudia Winkleman (she-who-is-as-cruel-as-she-is-beautiful) had at him with a straight-razor. At least he seems to be smiling about it.
So give generously.     

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