Monday 15 August 2011

Sharpe's Looters

In  a poll whose results were released today, more than two thirds of people believe that the authorities did not go far enough to quell stupid children, thieving. Further a third of those would have it that the army should have been sent in with live rounds, and of those more than half that the army concerned should have been the 95th Rifles. In answer to the demands of the people it seems likely that fictional stalwart Richard Sharpe will be deployed with his band of Chosen Men in the event of any further fracas, whereby the rioters will march in circles about the waiting cameras of the news media so as to pretend that twenty of them are in fact the massed columns of L’Empereur.
New guidelines already leaked lay down the method by which the Chief Constable of a given Constabulary may deploy Richard Sharpe and his Chosen Men. We so present:
1)      The Chief Constable having sent for Richard Sharpe shall place him under the command of two Inspectors, both chinless, who shall sneer at the common born cockney from Sheffield.
2)      Harper having cleared the main shopping plaza with one blast of the volley gun shall growl as other men better born are given the credit.
3)      In the event of petrol bombs, Richard Sharpe shall stand before them dramatically framed. The correct term of address regarding any event is to place the possessive ‘Sharpe’s before it. Thus, Sharpe’s Hoodies. Sharpe’s Fire Engine. Sharpe’s New Trainers.
4)      In the event that looting occurs, Richard Sharpe will advance when all others retreat. There shall be a pause whilst the 35” heavy cavalry sword is discussed. Richard Sharpe shall communicate in cockney slang, with a northern accent.
5)      Richard Sharpe will sleep with your wife. Flustered and in a sheer cotton dress she will have earlier been supplied with a marked copy of Lady Chatterley’s Lover.
6)      The Chief Constable when in the aftermath viewing the smoking destruction will ‘damn his eyes’ and tell Sharpe ‘not to get above himself’.
7)      The riots shall all be Sharpe’s fault.
In the event that the Police shall need to form shield wall against more determined disobedience then Richard Sharpe shall instead be Derfel, or Lord Uhtred – both of whom are also Richard Sharpe. With a beard.


  1. Pure comedy Alan, and so true, although I have been a Sharpe fan for many years Uhtred is now in favour and I am awaiting the new book with baited breath.

  2. Hard to beat a shieldwall.

    No I mean it, that's why they formed them. It's hard to beat a shieldwall.

  3. Indeed damn that black powder stuff, without it we would still have the glory of the shield wall!
    I can picture it now the Shield wall of the British Army fighting off 'insert amazing historical battle'.

  4. They'll be better off than you Navy lads. I hear under the current defence review you'll be equipped with pedalos and a twelve bore. So, you know, no Johnny-duck will dare show his beak.