Are you having trouble paying your bills? A week short of payday and the leccy needs sorting? You could just ring them up and they’ll just wait a week. Are you the sort of handsome, reliable chap that just needs a couple of hundred quid, no questions asked? You might be, but we’re not really aiming any of this at you.
No here at Lucifer, Razors & Agghgh! We’re rather more interested in you lot that deciding you deserve giant, mink fur cars and holidays in gold beds have run out of absolutely every credit card, ever, and have already sent us your gold for a fraction of the price that we probably sold it to you for in the first place.
Somewhere at the bottom of this page is a really long number that we made up until we actually ran out of numbers and we call that the ‘interest’. It isn’t at all, interesting. It didn’t sleep with a footballer, or indeed played football. Don’t worry about that. But give us a ring and within a week you will owe us your house, your car, all your children, the loan you’ll have to take out – with us – your smart phone, your other smart phone, your rather ironic phone and really, who needs four phones? This one has a camera? And your camera.
Then Mr Razors will peal you, literally, with scouring pads, for laughs. We will feed you puppies, manky puppies, and again we will laugh. Oh how we will laugh! We will laugh and you will watch us because we will have fed your eyelids to two kittens we’ve shaved, their ears already sewn to one another. Your kittens, or what the hell - your parents. We’ll dig them up, well you will. With your bloodied, skinless hands. Unable to weep because remember – eyelids.
Ring now or go online, nice laptop, pad, whatever the hell it is.
Lucifer, Razors & Agghgh!
Real lawyers, just not real people.