The Catholic Church has revealed today that in order to clean up their image (after recent events have spoiled an otherwise spotless history) that Simon Cowell is to be in charge of finding the next Pope.
Current surveys suggest that since 1536 (nearly twenty to four in the afternoon) the church has undergone something of a lapse in popularity in Britain, and Cowell is said to be delighted to be working in this with an organisation actually richer than his own. Already across the country applications are being taken by anybody that feels they have what it takes to rise to the double-cape, a process whose heats and finals will be shown on ITV as the PontifeX Factor.
Religious knowledge is not necessarily seen as important, so much as character, charisma, and really, really wanting it.
The winner is guaranteed a one-book deal, the world’s number one bestseller - although suggestions are already doing the rounds that the ‘Bible’ has long been ghost-written. Or holy ghost written (sorry...)
When asked about the strong possibility of young, pretty, emotionally unbalanced people lining up to do anything it takes to succeed one Cardinal is said to have set his hands on fire with all the eager rubbing.
The PonitfeX Factor is due to be shown this autumn in a ratings battle with rival Pope Idol.