Plans to sell off the Lake District have fallen through, we’ve been told today. We’ve not long moved from Cumbria and my family were all born on coast and mountain there so we’re a little worried as it seems now as if the Lakes will be sold off for scrap, to garden centres. Under the previous government the Lakes had been formed over thousands of years of glacial erosion and all-the-rain-in-the-world as the biggest aircraft carrier ever. Ever. So there. Brought close to completion a second Lake District has already been laid using bits of Yorkshire and Scotland when the current cuts to defence budget had seen the programme halted. Thousands of jobs have been lost in the north of England where Beautiful Countryside has been traditionally manufactured since... ever. Government plans are now to move selected pieces of the Lake District to Richmond Park which will be the location of the new aircraft carrier project, one without aircraft. Plans to move thousands of grumpy northerners to Surrey are not thought to be part of the proposals.
Holland having shown interest in taking on the project pulled out (it is further reported) when they discovered that the National Park class of aircraft carrier was designed for the purpose of war. Proposals for a change of use clause in the classification of the Lakes from a fucking big aircraft carrier to the nicest bit of England was vetoed by Kent which has never heard of Wales either, ‘so screw you’.
Where this leaves the armed forces with their increasing commitments is difficult to say and General Sir Scrubb KCMG MM DCM has already been outspoken that the face of modern and future warfare is unlikely to be well served by a proposed time-share of Sark with the French.