Yeah, not the Shard. Think again, yes – still not the Shard. It won’t even be the Shard when the Shard has stopped being built all over London Bridge in order to make sure that the Elephant never, ever, gets any sun. So come on, the tallest free standing structure in England? It’s the Emley Moor Tower, which you won’t have heard of and more so ever seen. Because it’s hidden. Hidden very cleverly by being in Yorkshire.
Yorkshire? North, not quite at the Penines. Bit across from the Lakes. Yes as well, the Lake District is very much in the North though I’m quite aware of the plans to move it to a much more convenient spot between Devon and Dorset. It does seem a very long way to come doesn’t it! And golly, what is it with all the rain?
Yorkshire then and Emley Moor where there are (many will be relieved to hear) farmer’s markets. Times are hard and so there farmers stand in lines to service smarter people with better accents. Word of warning, you might be paying but you’ll not be tops. The joke about sheep and welly boots?
The tower! It is classed as not only Bloody Big but just twelve yards inside the lowest point of Fucking Hell That’s Big. Roy Castle once tap danced with a hundred-and-twelve children (and a trumpet) up it. It used to be bigger but in 1969 it fell down. Now it is 200 foot shorter, rather lazily topping out at 1084 foot – and it just won’t straighten up for anyone. It learnt its lesson. And here it is, biggest free standing anything in England.
It doesn’t do anything. It’s just bigger than anything in London. Apt (they would have it) and especially so at the farmer’s market.
In Yorkshire. No, not like Peter Kay, That’s Bolton, Lancashire, which is...