First recorded in the 19th Century by Giovanni Schiaperelli and mapped most fully thereafter by the Irish astronomer Charles Burton (though such was recently revealed to have been based entirely on an account rendered by Simon Lindsay regarding his early hikes there*) the theory of the Canals of Mars was put to rest by that bastion of (and final arbitrator for) Reason, QI. But this morning and the previously thought lost Beagle Explorer revived. And here then as you’ll see, there are canals after all.
The waterways found are indisputably canals. Already there is evidence of a lost bike, two men that sound Scots (but are not) arguing on a bench, and the necessary seven punks pissed on Special Brew to fulfil the Strummer Equation. More exciting still and evidence of some civilisation has also been observed. Whoever the Martians are, they live on noodles and their vast, sprawling markets contain not one single thing of practical value whatsoever. The pubs (scientists are already suggesting) aren’t as good as they used to be either.
This ties in with the previously poo-poo’d accounts of such luminaries as John Carter, Percy Lowell, Mr Xxx and of course, Captain Lindsay. More exciting still and already it is thought that a vital clue to the source of life on Mars has been found, in this case a badly baggy condom being chewed on by a rat.
Richard Branson is reportedly designing a ship to take tourists to Mars, or at least himself. Mr Branson when spotted this afternoon escaping the Belsize Park B&Q with armfuls of Liftwood, Ether propellers and Victorian service revolvers refused to be drawn further.