People are outraged round here at the latest interference from ‘that London’. Westminster Council have made it impossible for Tilda Swinton to creep about the streets in the company of her straight jacket clad henchmen after complaints topped a dozen regarding the actress’s habit of stealing everyone’s voices and cutting out their hearts. Early plans to make a new Princess whose screams would break Tilda Swinton’s spell came to nothing when it transpired that the new Princess was not, after all, the Slayer.
Swinton, known for her roles as Jardis of Narnia and the Archangel Gabriel is now set to drift down the streets of Tolly Maw not blinking nearly enough. Bob and Terry in the pub have it on good authority that she is getting a council flat, a new car and a million-billion pounds and this I am told must be true, because ‘you could not make it up’. If it isn’t enough that in Tolly Maw we are set to endure London’s deported Tilda Swinton Bob tells me that it’ll open the gates to hordes of Tilda Swintons, great flocks of them creeping about like crows (and Disney crows at that).
Tilda Swinton originally introduced into Westminster in an attempt to keep down an over population of Helena Bonham Carters (that had been worrying at tourists like randy weasels) is liable to have a nasty surprise when it meets our own wild Terry Thomas.
Personally I’m scared they’ll breed.