Wednesday, 6 July 2011

The Bromley 80s Culture Reserve

It seems that Bromley in Kent is to be established as the first of a series of Sorta History preserves. With British culture and counter-culture both clearly defined in the 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s and even the 90s the crashing failure of the 00s to define itself other than by everyone in Parliament Stepford-like becoming Tony Blair (except Gordon Brown, and there’s the lesson) the same it has been decided cannot be allowed in the... whatever this decade is until the 20s. Given that history relates that the 20s is a time of Cthulhu horror resulting in a fear of paper, or slugs, or a mild tick about the eye this is probably a good thing.
Bromley then will preserve the 1980s. The high street will be returned to a state whereby every shop is either an Our Price records, or sell posters under the Athena label. Smoking in the cinema will be compulsory and everyone will eat at the Berni Inn. For entertainment and/or mockery there will be a Games Centre established in the basement of the Debenhams. Also, there will be a Debenhams. This in particular will demonstrate the unexpected social revelation that people in the 80s that had hobbies did get girlfriends, boyfriends, marry and have children – or if not children, then a lot of dancing instead. Scientists profess not to be baffled by this, they themselves generally having gotten married, or easily came out, and had all sorts of sex not involving drunken abuse or Patrick Bateman. Astonishing.
Hereafter locked in the 1980s Bromley High Street will serve as an education to visitors whose iPhones will be replaced by cheap, plastic Walkmans, a bag of ten pence pieces to make calls, and a Polaroid camera the size of a small breadbin. The borders will be patrolled by retired members of the Special Patrol Group, the Glades Shopping Centre is being removed to make way for a park and a worrying, much smaller mall the inside of which was where Bartertown was filmed for Beyond The Thunderdome.
This is not the first time such has been attempted of course. The exact same thing was done to Croydon three years ago – only no one noticed.


  1. They've been running a test project for this up on Bromley Common - we got caught in the Chatterton Road time bubble, which is handy for buying Airfix kits from the model aeroplane shop but not much else. Either that or we're trapped between Slips - in 23 Ming's the local Reverend in Tolly Maw (Tea,Sympathy & Ornella Muti),here he runs a Picture Framing business

    I suspect that whoever ran the Hornby Railway shop (open Wednesdays AND Thursdays) is responsible - you can tell when the bubble weakens and the shop front changes - from a firework emporium, to christmas tree wholesaler and last week,worst of all,a coffee shop.

  2. This means when in place that pretty much the whole new wave, post-punk and pre-new-romantic movement will be restored - for good or ill. Siouxsie Sioux will order out to the Hong Kong Garden in Chistlehurst. Robert Smith will sit holding the box for a 1/35 Tamiya Tiger Tank to his chest. For tourists everyone will pile out of the Three Compasses to do that Status-Quo belt-holding, shoulder-swinging dance.